My drinking caused me so much damage, I struggle to remember all of it. I wake up, not remembering the night before but pretty certain I was better off that way. I’m insecure in everything I am and do, except singing, oddly. I crave attention and approval from anyone and everyone. I am not remotely in touch with my feelings because I’d been drinking them away for far too long. I’ve done horrific things like cheated on my husband, served my daughter moldy ham and cheese sandwiches because I was too hungover to notice, driven drunk with my baby in the backseat and countless other joys, most of which I thank God for also blessing me with blackouts. I spend my days high on pain meds and my nights sneaking swigs straight from the vodka bottle I hide in my freezer. I got my first DUI on a random Wednesday evening, where my husband had to drive to the station with my baby girl in her jammies and bail me out of at 3 am… I was well on my way to the alcoholic hall of fame. I don’t do anything halfway.
It was during this time however, one afternoon, hungover and miserable that Tim Burton’s version of Alice and Wonderland came on and I heard the term “Muchness” for the first time. Sitting next to my daughter I tried to hide my tears as they fell uncontrollably. I was broken, defeated and empty. I related to Alice, so much… lost in a world where everyone was telling her she was something she was not! An angry red queen on her tail and NO idea how to get home!
Thanksgiving that year, was my final straw. It was after throwing up in front of my family that weekend that I began to fear for my life. I looked at my daughter the next morning as she slept and HAD to believe at least SHE deserved a better life then what I was giving her. I dialed up a woman whom I had met in the rooms of previous forced visits to AA. She asked about my desperation, and I asked her to be my sponsor. It was a match to be reckoned with and even though It would be a long road, she had my back for this first step…one of 12 to be exact.
It was an immensely soul-wrenching experience. Up to now, I struggled to see my part, to see myself clearly. Everything was always someone else’s fault. I was forced to not only look at MY side of the street, but to sit in it, marinade in it. I couldn’t’ run away or hide from it anymore. I had to figure out how to cope with hard. How to sit in the uncomfortable…downright agony some days and not drink it away. They say the good thing about sobriety is that you get to feel your feelings, and the bad part about sobriety is that you get to feel your feelings. It’s scary being hit with reality when you still feel like you have the battered mind of a lost 17-year-old girl.
But with practice and frightening determination, I kept picking up the tools I was now being given and practicing. I managed to find God, despite my anger towards Christians, Jesus, and religion in general, up to this point of my 31 years. I gained a little clarity; then I gained a little more. Drying up was the easy part, getting out of the mess that was my life, was the tricky bit. I was still in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic that I had given fourteen years of my life to and shared two children with. How would I ever go it alone? There’s a scene that sets this up for you perfectly, in “Eat, Pray, Love” where she’s crying on the bathroom floor, asking God for help, telling herself “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” This scene hit me so hard when I saw it, I had to psychically get up and leave the room. Only MY character was eight months pregnant. It was a lot to wrap my head around but it’s funny what you are capable of when you feel like you have no other option.
I realized I had to let go of the “what ifs”, the fear of going it alone, the fear of his retaliation and stand up for myself. It felt good, not nearly as scary as I imagined it would. Hard, yes….but hard is usually where the fire is… and it was there. I used it to kick him out, help support a devastated little daddy’s girl and a newborn baby boy, all without a drink. I got an attorney, did the legwork, fought for what I wanted and got my final divorce date, stamped and approved. I had not only stood up to my Jabberwocky but took it’s head off! I felt 10 pounds lighter.
And stayed lighter…. without alcohol clouding me and a husband crowding me, I was free. I was burning everything I wasn’t. I found peace and serenity, even through my most difficult days, probably BECAUSE of my most difficult days. But I wasn’t done being tested.
I lost my mother last year. A devastating blow. Not only was it sudden and traumatic, but she was a huge supportive, loving, and ever faithful part of my life. She was truly my biggest fan. But I didn’t shut down, I learned how to have those “and” thoughts….I was too young to lose my mama AND I was truly lucky to have had her at all. It can cry and give in to this pain AND I can get up and carryon. It was a hard time, absolutely. I was devastated yes……..but ask me if I drank?
You can’t begin to comprehend the word freedom until you’ve been imprisoned. Twelve years of sobriety later, and my life is magically full. I’ve met countless angels along the way who’ve taught me, self-love, reiki, spirituality, how to hone my retail therapy into the clearance section, meditation, the magic of sound baths, laughter, essential oils and countless other remedies to make use of what the Universe throws at me. Freedom. Today, I know who I am, I don’t need to look at others to tell me, even though they keep trying. I live and work from a truly peaceful place, even if I’m stressed, overwhelmed or having a bad day; I have a calm centered BASE to start from, that I never had before. Even when I struggle, I do it with grace, dignity and without hurting those around me. Freedom.
I’ve found my voice again… on many levels. I not only stand up for myself, even the difficult relationships I still have, but I’ve also started singing again….like on a stage….in public, and my first song back was “Crazy on You” by Heart. How’s that for Muchness? I became a certified reiki healer, after experiencing the transformation in my own life and now between that and AA am able to help others live where I came from!
It’s been amazing to meet myself, once everything else burned away. And the woman waiting for me wasn’t at all what I expected but everything I dared to dream about.
So, don’t mindlessly stroll through Wonderland believing to be whatever people tell you, you are! Get curious and take your journey back! Stop the monotony and follow the white rabbit, he just may lead you someplace Wonderful!!!
