Father’s Day. For some people, it’s a day of celebration, a salute to our personal hero, for some, a sad day of missing your father or father figure who has passed on and you’re forced to honor them from afar. And still for others, it’s a day where, yes you honor your dad, of course, but you struggle in the hallmark card aisle because none of the “you’re amazing” or “best dad ever” cards ever seem to fit.
Now, this isn’t meant to blast all the dad’s out there who scored a 2.25 grade point average in fathering, this is for those kids they raised: Hi, you’re not alone, welcome to the club, we have jackets!
The older I get (and now that I take full-time care of my 92 year old father) the more I realize: he is who he is… and has always been and it’s neither personal NOR my fault, in any way. I wasn’t lacking as a little girl and I’m not lacking now.
When I was 6, I jumped up on a stage, when asked for a volunteer, and sang “Annie” at the top of my lungs, proudly but watched as my dad covered his face with his massive hands and sunk very slowly under the table in embarrassment. He had a wit and a way with backward compliments that, while I credit him for my thick skin and quick thinking sense of humor, it wasn’t the most comforting of exchanges. I would get a new haircut and he’d say, “New haircut? I hope you didn’t pay for that.” or get a new dress and hear “what’s the matter, didn’t they make one in your size?” Today, he tells strangers in restaurants, that having a 4th daughter (yep, that’s me) is the reason he drinks the way he does. To which I reply, why do you think I drank the way I did, Daddy?? It’s all in jest, he laughs, others laugh and he gives me a nod, maybe a tap as if to say, “Aw, I’m just kiddin.” And today, when I tuck him into bed (yes, EVERY night) and say “goodnight dad, love you” his response? “I sure hope so!” I shake my head, grin to myself and translate that into “love you too kiddo” and turn off the light.
Now, this man also worked hard his whole life to make sure we didn’t go without anything. Any things. Of COURSE he loved us and wanted the best for us but affection, hugs, and “atta girls”, those we went without.
So, I spent nearly 20 years chasing attention from anyone who would give it, marrying a man who I thought would get my shit together for me, traded in my “deserving” decisions for “settling” decisions, accepted crumbs in a relationship instead of insisting on the whole cake and tried to find my answer at the bottom of every bottle in Los Angeles County!
When I got sober and found my higher power, I got back to my center, my truth and started to see the real picture. That’s just Tony. It has nothing to do with that adorable, talented, loving, little girl and it certainly has nothing to do with the powerful, talented, MUCHNESS woman I am today!
Daddy issues? I’m sorry, our daddies have the issues, not us!! Now go love em like you mean it today, cuz deep down, of course you do!
